What is His Plan for Me?
By Katherine Breanne Parilli
There are times when my life seems to stand completely still. My hopes and dreams seemed destined to stall into empty memories while I watch those around me prosper and achieve. Here I sit in my small solitary room while my classmates graduate, marry, and reach for the stars. Caught up in their busy productive lives they have forgotten my name, and I am almost relieved that I am a dull memory. When I see them walking proudly in the stores, I cringe and duck into a lonely corner praying that they will not notice my presence lest they ask me the dreaded what are you doing?
Alone in my bed, in the comforting darkness of deep night, I fearfully ask myself what is God’s plan for me. For what purpose did he place me upon this earth when every step forward I struggle to take is crushed under some impenetrable stone. With fierce determination I push forward to achieve some cherished goal, and for a fleeting moment I can feel the indescribable joy of finishing my chosen task. But each time some unexpected problem, some unrelenting foe wrestles the trophy from my hands.
Under the protective shelter of my sheets, I ask myself have I ignored the call of God? Have I pushed my own way and ignored the call of God? What is his purpose for my life? Maybe my defeat is that I have been listening to my own selfish voice and pretending that it is God encouraging me to follow the path that I want him to choose for me. Deep down I know that I am selfish, and there are many dreams of my own that I wish God would let me have, and sometimes I know that I have ignored his voice saying NO. And I know there are many times when I knew that God did not want me to go a certain way, but that was the path I longed to take, and willfully I demanded God to bend his path to meet my goal.
Yet, with my selfish ways, there are times that I thought for certain that God was leading me down a path and my heart broke when the way was blocked by a mountain I could not climb. It is then that I stumbled and wondered why I was placed upon this earth when I could not seem to find my little corner. Sitting quietly at home waiting for life to happen and watching my parents struggle so we could survive I felt like a useless sink hole selfishly grasping the world above into my deadly oblivion. Over and over I have searched for a way to become productive, yet each time I had to admit defeat. Cloaking my sorrow under a smile and my tears by a quick shrug of my shoulders.
And still I wait, wondering what plan God has in store for my seemingly useless life. Watching my old friends grow and achieve. Marking the empty mile markers as they go by and hoping that maybe next year will be different. Perhaps that special stranger will get lost and ask for directions at my door, or I will bump into an unexpected opportunity that God has placed in my path. Still I pray, and try hard not to ask why disappointment and sorrow has been my lot. Vainly trying to remember that well prosperity in this life has not been granted me, all will be made up within Heaven’s gates.
There at last I will understand the trial of this life. At last God will explain to my once broken heart why he said no, and when he was just saying wait. And then I will be happy because those times of darkness when I felt useless and a waste of breath, I will finally realize that He was just preparing me to fulfill my special task. He was chiseling away some sharp corner, acquainting me with sorrow to help another soul, and preparing me to stand through every trial. And with each trial and delay He was molding me into his image so that I could walk upon the street of gold and sing in a heavenly choir.
So patiently I will wait for his timing. I will trust that when the time is right He will show me the path and show me my purpose for living. Right now I can not understand why He has said wait and watch, and I still struggle as I watch the world go by. But I will seek to patiently do the little chores that I have been given. Praying that I will make it through the test faithfully and come out the other side ready to stand firm in the face of the enemy determined to follow his will even when it is different from mine.